09.30.05

Totally has been along time. lol Oh well... anyways not much going on =p... dunnoz.. oh well :p 07.27.05

wow... so much has happened in these 2 months i guess. Haha can't even begin to explain... lol well I'm glad I have my friends here to support and hold me on to what I believe in when the times seem so dark... =) never let go and believe in yourself...




05.17.05

The past is held in the past and the present is where I stand today. So much has went on these past few years but they all remain in the past. They have shaped me for who I am today. Currently made it to my 18th year which I would have never thought I would this time last year. Friends have held me together and placed me back piece by piece when I needed someone to help. They are everything to me and have helped me grow into a successful individual. They have been awesome and have made my life worth living for. I am glad I have had these friends who have helped me through the years and I do not ever regret moving to calgary for once. Things happen but friendships can build upon these negative circimstances... never give up because that would be the worst you can do.




02.24.05

Hmm... so many thoughts going on in my mind. I cannot grasp any one thought anymore... so confused and so useless. I don't know what I'm doing anymore... It's all been a blur... from breaking promises to deaths and so on. I cannot believe my aunt just passed away... with my dumbass cousins taking so much of her money without doing shit or visiting her. They're pathetic. Even though I couldn't do anything for her, at least I would phone her whenever I was free to see how she was. Even with all the lies that she layed on all of us, not telling us her true feelings. I at least tried to be there for her. Hmm.. why couldn't I free all these thoughts from my mind anymore... All my thoughts are worth nothing... cuz the longer I leave my thoughts dangling... the worst it will get... nothing will get better after time if I don't resolve it. I cannot go on thinking... that I'm wasting my time here for life has no promises except for death. Whatever I'm thinking... Doesn't change how things will be in life. Promises... I can't keep shouldn't be made... I'm sorry for everything I've done... Sorry... to everyone... I've been a waste of time and life.




01.26.05

I have such a fuckin disfunctional family. Haha fuckin parents can't separate cuz of us. They dun even talk to each other usually. When my dad is home which is close to never. He doesn't even speak a fuckin word to me. He doesn't know how old I am... classes I'm taking... any fuckin thing about me. Each week... I swear he says less then 20 words to me. All i remember every week that he says to me is "hi" "bye" "eat" "go sleep". Haha when he does talk to me it's about cars. Well I guess its' better then nothing. I don't know anymore... What am I to him? He hasn't been apart of my family for the past decade... He hasn't been to my performances... my award nights... my graduations... my anything... I feel as though I'm nothing to him. Just another person in his life... Trying so hard to have a better functional family... but then there's my mom... and sisters haha... fuckin pissing me off. "I have so much pressure from your sisters, they want you to move but b/c I support your decision I'm letting you stay." okay well idealy... she's the one that does make the decision where I'm at. Just cuz my freaking sisters want me wherever doesn't mean shit. I don't fuckin care anymore where I am. This is a bunch of bs in my life. "I have to punish you b/c ur sisters are complaining that you should be because when they were younger they would've been in so much more trouble then you are now" wtf is this shit. Why does she ALWAYS listen to my sisters. Especually my freakin oldest sister. K I kno my oldest sister is the favorite of the family. She's the ideal rolemodel... the smart one... the one that's gunna go places for her superb achievements. She's perfect. So what? I still have feelings. I'm always compared to them. I'm compared to everyone in my life. I'm a failure... okay. I admit it. I can't achieve their expectations... they're way too high for my simple mind. I can't go to uni with these marks. I can't do shit. I'm useless. Do what you're good at eh? "You can cheer people up" haha oh wow... such a great occupation when me, myself.. I'm a pestimistic bitch that has a freaking desire to die when there's falling snow... blood splattering gently on the white, fragile snow. So beautiful... can't wait for the snow to fall once again... gives me the chance... Though it's something I cannot break... yet I'm sure one day I will break all these promises I made... I won't be able to carry on... leave this fucked up world... eternal slumber... what a great wish... the happiest day of my life will be when I reach that dream... So... fragile... like the delicate snowflakes falling upon art thou... forgiven remorse... dying everyday... living to die... what is this life I live. Perhaps remembered in a few decades... even half a century... but in a century... I'll be forgotten along with everyone that dies. Achievements and failures gone... lost in memories that are dead... left... left in the memories that are drifted away... etched in many but lost in the upcomming years... where will I be in everyones' hearts after I leave... who will keep contact with me... who are my true friends... perhaps wut my family said was right but I can't accept it. It's not what I truely think. "You're friends will leave you after time but your family will stay by your side forever. If you were our frds we would have left you along time ago, you're horrible" yeh maybe I am horrible. If my family thinks of me this way I suppose that's the truth... Haha they hate me. hate my frds, why are they so eager to watch over me 24/7. Give me no privacy... gives me no air to breath in. Sufficating in this dense surrounding. I don't have my own room. I can't sleep in my moms' room. yes my moms' room. Parents aren't even sleeping together. Haha... disfunctional? I think so! Hmm... I have a screwed up life... everything is falling apart infront of me. I can't mend them up together anymore... I've run out of glue to stick them back together. The pieces are starting not to fit anymore... no matter how hard I try to put them back together. I'm useless. I've lost all hope... lost everything... my perfect childhood... mother and father... ideally parents.. raising me up like all the other parents. Giving me education... giving me the love I needed.. the happiness.. the togetherness.. everything just clicked back then... everything is just falling apart... broken. Rejoice... for nothing is going right. Losing grip of all I had. Losing my mind... my sanity. The sanity that I once held dissappeared.. tho somethings have enlightened me lately. Glad... that Ronnie is there for me if i need it... I've been so lifeless knowing I was just another person in his life... with no meaning... *sighs* I'm glad we're friends once again... haha and exams are over.. other then that I think the bad outweighed all the good. bad=500kg good=1kg lolz me and my weird analogies... nah I'm very happy for those litto things that have came across during these times but I have to admit... the bad did overweigh everything. Oh well I presume that's how life is for me. I have to live it. Carrying all these burdens along with me. Sunshine... embracing me with it's warmth but dissappearing before my very eyes.. turning into the bitter nights' air... stinging my skin, my eyes, everything... the coldness grasping onto me. Not letting go. The tears... won't come out anymore... they stopped... for there is nothing to cry about... just... nothing... anymore... friends are the onlee thing that is holding me together... and I cannot even see them anymore... pointless.. my mom doesn't trust my friends... my family doesn't trust me so haha! How ironic... I can't have the friends I have now... so they lock me up in this... room for 3 months.. the sanity will break and all promises will be broken. "Wishing I can go into an eternal slumber... peacefully laying in the newly snowed ground... dead. Snowflakes gently falling..." hehe beautiful... these 3 mths will be fun...




01.25.05

Hmm what is the meaning of life... what is the purpose... why am I still here... so confused. Things passing me by. I don't understand anything anymore... The more you know about something the less you realize you know... I feel so far away from everything... lacking the connection to society. Trying to rejoice for the successes while there is nothing to be happy about. It's another day. Days can go by ever so slowly but at times so fast... You want to hold on to the times when they go by fast... but the seconds and the hand of the clock keeps ticking ticking ticking... Neverending... Life keeps going. Blood trickling down oh so slowly when you're wishing for it to drench you... sufficating into nothingness... Everything dissappearing infront of you... running to grasp onto it but it flies away... so gently... but never to be able to clench onto... slipping away... embracing it but it's not there... what is yours will be yours... everything else will fly away to be someone elses'... Slipping into the darkness, eating away all the happiness I had, taking it all away with a glimpse of a thought... lingering in the surroundings... hiding... hiding... hiding... never comes out until you least want it to... scratching the dreams you once hold... distorting into something that you cannot even understand anymore... puzzle pieces missing... unable to see what the picture is of... you may have an idea but you do not exactly know what everything in detail it is... blurring vision... life passing you by... gone. You don't know what you have until you lose it all. Life is so precious... so fragile... trying not to break... shatter infront of the ones I love so much. Like a broken bottle. You cannot put it back together again... it is gone... lost. Shards of glass shattering right before you... omg... wtf am I talking about... I don't even know anymore... I know nothing. I'm stupid. I'm idiotic. I'm crazy. I'm weird. I can't do anything right. I can't even please the ppl I want to please. I can't even be the gurl I used to be. I can't be responsible. I'm not reliable... I'm nothing. I'm worst then nothing... I'm wasting everyone's time and effort on me. Guilt rushing in my blood... star light star bright, first star i see tonite. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonite... If I can have any wish in the world. It would be to never have been born... I fucked up my mom's heart... now she has heart problems. I fucked up everyone's lives just... by intruding into it. Nothing is worth the pain I see from everyone because of me... I have no purpose... I've looked everywhere for it.. I have none. I can't do anything in my life... I don't have the passion. The love for anything anymore... Just so pointless... why am I still here...




01.23.05

New day, new start, happiness is what I'm seeking for...




01.22.05

What am I doing... why am I still here... no matter what I do. I'm still here. I have a chance to leave, instead I stay. What do I truely want. My lingering passion for demise has embraced me to its' fullest extent... My mind... no pain... no life... nothing... screaming for help... but won't accept the help... Living but not alive... Losing the last of the sanity I own... everything... gone... lost... lingering... cannot be found... no more can I take this... No more can I breathe...




01.21.05

All dreams faded away... chasing it but can't grasp onto it. Anticipation... a great day will be found for those who try to find it.




01.19.05

Miracles can happen. Hope my feelings for hope in this world is true. Life will go on no matter what happens. Love lingers in the air, oh so gently... a soft breeze blowing gently towards me... running away... never grasping... alone. Lying to the world... living in a world full of lies... I can't believe I'd be like this... to turn out this way... Why are things like this? Why am I like this... I'm a disappointment to myself and everyone surrounding me.




01.17.05

It's a new year... time for a new start. Forgotten memories in the midst of nothingness. Leaving everything behind. Not looking back, cannot look back. Life is a ever changing environment... Eng diploma... self-fullfillment... wtf is that. What have I done that has been fullfilling... wasting my time with my fuckin problems. Wasting everyones' time. I can't do shit. I ain't gunna be able to do anything with my life. why not end now.




11.23.04

wah havent wrote in this for along time... well anyways hmmz...
not alot to say but it's been a long month
been stupid and useless...
lol I'm so glad I have enuff credits for graduation but they say i didnt do phyed10
lol hmm o.O they better accept wut i did when i was still in cci
ladedumz... well im gone




10.30.04

Cold... tingling my spine,
crawling within my body,
spreading like a virus,
eating away all happiness,
everything dissappearing,
all feelings, cares, senses,
gone.




10.24.04

haha I guess I made this page like a day b4 I said it was made o.O opps hahaha hmm ladedumz~ Check out my other site:
www.calgaryplanet.com/members/k/kawaii_hime_chico
well anyways hahaha hope everyone likes it tho i doubt anyone will go on it hahaha :p hmz here's something kewl... a few ways to say I love you:
Tagalog- Mahal Kita
Spanish- Te Amo or Te Quiero
French- Je t'aime
Korean- Sarang Hae Yo
Japanese- Aishiteru
Dutch- Ik hou van jou
German- Ich liebe dich
Arabic- Ana beehabik
Viet- Girl: Em Yeu Anh Boy: Anh Yeu Em
Mandarin- Wo Ai Ni
Cantonese- Ngor Oi Nei
Hakka- Ngai zhong yi ngi
English-I Love You =)